Intuition

Intuition., It’s a word you hear a lot on the podcast and read a lot here on the blog. It’s what so much of what I preach is all based on. Following the cues your body gives you to feed yourself and take care of yourself in a way thats truly nurturing.

Our Intuition is like a muscle. The more we use it the stronger it gets and the easier it is to tap into it. Years of ignoring my body and thinking I wasn’t worth of anything especially not worth listening to, had totally killed my relationship with my intuition. Once I began the process of intuitive eating, it really started to heal my intuition and I thought it was close to perfect.

I was wrong. I ignored my gut (for months) and I got hurt. Really really hurt. I have a hard time admitting this, but I am still in the aftermath of it all (probably will be for a while). It all kind of blew up in my face about a week and a half ago and I feel entirely broken. I debated posting something so deeply personal but I think that’s where my strength lies. I have had to remind myself every day since then that I am a truly genuine person that deserves love, and respect. What happened to me wasn’t okay and I am tired of dancing around the subject for fear of being called petty or immature. So I decided to write about it. Not only because its the main way I process things, but because I truly do value my readers and I think you all deserve my vulnerability. This person deserves to be exposed and called exactly what she is: a predator and a manipulative, and emotionally abusive narcissist. I hope reading my experience can pass on knowledge to those of you who may also be dealing with a manipulative and emotionally abusive narcissist. Perhaps someone can learn how to recognize the signs and save themselves so they don’t get abused ( I refuse to call what she did to me any less than abuse at this point). We shouldn’t enable the cycle of abuse to continue, we shouldn’t sit idly by while people who are in fact emotionally damaged continue to do that to others.

As someone who has suffered at the hands of sexual assault, this situation brought up very very similar feelings and honestly is probably why it has taken me so long to deal with it. Something was stolen from me without permission. I am writing this as a way for me not to lash out at this person but as a way for me to heal. I have come to terms with the fact that I will never ever get answers to why they did what they did to me. She doesn’t deserve the conversation or the space to possibly manipulate me again. So this post will be my final words and hopefully a nail in the coffin to fully recovering from this. I refuse to give you power over me anymore.

I was fooled, so greatly fooled into thinking they cared about me and my family. Not only by their words but by their actions (now I know these were all calculated moves and had absolutely no sincerity in them whatsoever). I was essentially groomed into thinking that this person was my friend, I actually had come to consider her one of my good friends. She watched my child, we spoke almost daily, and she reassured me she could be trusted (just typing this makes me want to bash my head into a wall). But the whole time she was isolating me from friends and coworkers, planting thoughts in their heads that I didn’t like them and that they didn’t like me. Isolating all of us (grooming and isolation are some of the first steps manipulative narcissists use to take control of your life). She constantly touted loyalty as one of her main values and that she would never tell anyone anything I said, that she wasn’t interested in gossip or drama. Yet at the same time constant gossip, complaints, and bad mouthing poured out of her mouth about others (another sign Erica- stupid stupid stupid). I thought she just trusted me, I was a good friend she could vent to right? This lie of loyalty continued for over a year, all while I continued to give her more of my time, energy, and parts of my self I have never given anyone. I told her things I would have taken to the grave but she really had me convinced that she cared about me and that I could trust her. She was the first person I shared my abuse with- even over my husband- because she claims to be an advocate and activist for sexual abuse survivors, but she turned out to not to be worthy of that part of me, not even at all. Are you sick to your stomach yet?

Maybe some of you will think I am being dramatic..

It wasn’t until e v e r y t h i n g came to light that I realized I wasn’t being dramatic at all. That she was doing this to everyone around her. We have since all talked and shared anecdotes (lies she told us) and basically had to take turns picking each other’s jaws up off the floor. She made us all feel crazy, and question everything as if we were the ones in the wrong; even after more and more of her disgusting lies came to light. She fed on our insecurities and pitted us against one another.

So for over a year I let this person fool me into thinking she was close to me, yet the whole time she was complaining about all of the things she offered to do for me, and sharing all my deeply personal secrets with people. Maybe this could just be forgotten about but she also knew that someone else had done this very same thing to me just a couple years before ( also one of the things I confided in her about). So to let my self be fooled by it once again pissed me off. I have been a mixture of sadness, anger, and frustration for the past week or so. I have since given myself compassion for being fooled by her because I had no reason to believe otherwise. The self talk has sounded a little like this:

How could you do this? Why would you do this? Why wouldn’t you just tell me you didn’t care to be my friend and move on? Why would you hurt Zelda, what did she do to deserve to be used as a tool to hurt me? Why, why, why????

It is clear that this person is so deeply damaged inside and for that I do have compassion, but to constantly use your trauma as a scapegoat to get out of harming others is not okay. I hope they get help, for the sake of their children and their family and the ones close to them. Until then she will continue to destroy herself and the ones around her.

I gave this person part of my soul and she spit on it, walked all over it, and threw it against the wall both behind my back and in front of my face. 

I can’t stop beating myself up for not running the other direction at the first gut feeling. For the past couple months I had so many red flags practically waving in my face but I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. After seeing her or talking to her I would feel worse than I did going into it. I would feel drained, and empty. Just seeing her in the morning wiped the smile off my face. I felt like I should be her friend because she had “been so good to me and so deeply cared for me” (typing this too makes me want to vomit). All of these feelings (more often than not they were physical symptoms as well) were my intuition telling me to save myself and run the other way. I walked around like an idiot treating her with kindness while she spit ugliness about me out of her mouth, the second I walked out of the room.

I will probably get shit for this post but I don’t really care.  Like I said I am leaving this as my final thoughts and I will probably seek therapy because I feel extremely broken. This person fucked me up and she deserves to get called out. I hope other women have the courage to call out their abusers (of any kind). They don’t deserve our discretion. 

I mostly shared this with all of you to remind you to listen to your gut. Build your intuition up every day and for god fucking sake listen to it.

To the narciccist:

I hope you get help. I truly truly do. I hope you go to your retreat and you actually try and you show up, for yourself, and for your family. They deserve better than how you are right now. I hope you stop hurting people. I hope you can learn your way through your manipulative and harmful ways. I hope you get the chance to let that little girl inside of you go, and become the woman you are supposed to be. I hope one day you can actually own up to what you did and stop blaming other’s for it. As if I deserved what you did to me because I was a bad friend? (Not that I actually was even a bad friend to you and you know it) but even if I was as if that means I deserve to be treated the way you treat me? I know you probably won’t change but I truly hope you do. I hope the cycle of abuse ends with me. If out of all this -you change, for your children’s sake, then my suffering will not be in vain.

To others suffering at the hands of a manipulative and emotionally abusive narcissist:

I hope through my post (and with the link I attached) you can recognize this person for exactly as they are and get out. Don’t just leave, run the other way as fast as you can. Don’t waste your breath trying to reason with them, or getting them to recognize what they are. They physically lack empathy and human reasoning and will not be able to rationalize with you. Opening up a conversation with them opens yourself up to be emotionally abused or manipulated once again. Also know that you are not the crazy one here, because they will make you feel that way. You are deserving of respect and you are worthy of love. Take care of yourself right now, and if this is someone you can’t cut out of your life.. lay hard hard hard boundaries. You do not need to enable their behavior.

My heart goes out to anyone who can relate to this situation And if you are dealing with a similar situation and like me you were trying to tell yourself it is not that big of a deal or worth being upset by; it is and you are deserving of processing this however you need to. As always, my inbox is open.

I will get through this, and I will never ever ever ignore my gut again.